Tris Thorp opens up on burnout and living a thriving life

Tris Thorp

When I did this interview, I’d never actually met Tris Thorp. Yet from the moment I set eyes on her during our Zoom working calls, I was blown away — smart, funny, beautiful, accomplished, and deeply inspiring. Am I gushing? She also drops F-bombs on the regular, which put the Australian in me at ease right away.

Writing my book on burnout, I’ve thought of Tris often. Not only because she went through a burnout herself, but because she took the lessons of burnout to next-level her own life. Today she is a globally recognized coach, speaker, author and leader in emotional healing, spirituality and shadow work. Girl’s got spark.

Tris and I had an awesome, honest, revealing and inspiring conversation about her burnout, and how she transformed her life as a result.

So Tris, tell me a little about your burnout.

I hit burnout in mid-2012. I’d booked a session with my acupuncturist and was astonished when she told me, “Tris, your adrenals are about to completely give out. It’s going to cause serious physical problems for you”.

I had been working in personal growth and spirituality for years, and loved what I did. I didn’t see my work as ‘work’ — I’d easily burn through ten hours at the office, come home and make dinner, then sit down at my desk and log back in for a few hours longer.

Looking back, three things caused my burnout:

1. The love of what I did. When your work is your passion, you’re able to give and give without a break. You are in ‘the zone’ and feel so aligned. You thrive on the adrenalin.

2. A lack of awareness. I was out of touch with myself, so I hadn’t noticed as my mind, body, emotions and energy levels were becoming depleted. I had no idea, so my acupuncturist’s warning was kind of a shock!

3. A need I had developed in early childhood to prove my worth. Of course, I wasn’t conscious of this as I crushed a 14+ hour workday, but this absolutely contributed too.

Can you tell me a little about that need to prove your worth, and other beliefs we have that propel us into burnout?

Overwork often stems from unconscious programming that began in early childhood. It might be a limiting belief that we’ve developed about ourselves.

For me, having been given away so many times as a little girl, I grew up trying to convince people that I was good enough. “Hey, pay attention to me, I can be funny, kind, worthy, playful, useful!” So, we unconsciously take these patterns with us and play them out in the different seasons of our lives. For many of us, we land in our careers and we’re playing out a different variation on that theme.

Maybe you were told as a child that you would never amount to anything, so you’re always the last one to leave the office and the first one to arrive, you’re responding to emails in the middle of the night or on vacation in order to prove, “I will make something of my life, I will be worthy.”

And then there’s the child who was always told how amazing and successful they are: they might develop a belief system around having to keep achieving all the time — they have to be head of the cheerleading squad, on the honors roll, and so on. They’ve been trained to believe that busyness equals success and approval, whether it’s from parents, spouses, bosses, or peers.

So how do we go about addressing burnout, when we’re in the thick of it?

Two things that come up for me here are awareness and self-honesty.

To combat burnout, you need be aware — cognizant of the results of the choices that you’re making. Say, you work through lunches, and dinner is a bag of Cheetos from the 7–11 on the way home. Then you wake up feeling like crap the next day. Are you connecting the dots, is there a level of awareness?

And then secondly, if you’re aware, are you willing and able to be really honest with yourself about what you’re seeing?

How did this process unfold for you?

I started to become aware the minute my acupuncturist gave me such a strong warning. I knew something was up, which is why I reached out to her in the first place. But her warning went far beyond what I’d expected.

Suddenly it became super clear: I wasn’t eating well, I felt like crap, I’d sleep fine but still wake up feeling exhausted. I was out of alignment and giving way, way too much.

I worked at a really sought-after organization, and they didn’t hesitate to remind me of that fact. And it was a tremendous honor to be there — I learned so much. But it felt incongruous how they’d instill fear in employees, like, “a million people want your job!” It happens a lot, especially right now in COVID — there are so many over-qualified people looking for work, it’s easy to make your team members feel super replaceable.

I made some lifestyle shifts and started implementing these. I said to my boss, “hey, I’m going to come in at 8 and I’m going to be out the door by 5 to get to yoga at 5:30, so I can be home in time for dinner, a hot bath and a good night’s rest.” I mean, that in itself is weird: why should I need to explain to my boss why I’m leaving after an 8-hour workday?

But by working super long hours, I’d created an expectation.

They weren’t happy with the changes. “Hey, you’re not giving 100% anymore, what’s up with that?”

When in fact you’d been giving 200%, now you were giving 100 — yet that wasn’t enough.

Exactly, and I needed to be honest with myself: “what I’m doing isn’t working — am I willing to take the steps required to unravel what I’ve created?” It began with me starting a 30-day personal challenge doing 10 specific things for myself every day, and scaling back the number of hours I’m at the office.

I started to say no to teaching courses over the weekends and traveling at certain times, not skipping my family reunion to go Whistler and be on stage in front of 600 people. I began to choose myself.

I think a lot of people have no idea they’re on track to burnout, and careen through until they hit a major wall that has serious physical repercussions so they have no option but to examine what’s happened. It’s awesome that you were able to hold a mirror to yourself and make changes, despite the pressures not to.

Right! That was really a rough time for me. I had to be honest with the fact that what I was doing wasn’t working, and then work out a plan — how do I fix this? I sat down and figured out what would help me reestablish balance. Things like:

• pack my lunches and eat healthy salads

• do yoga every evening after work

• take baths and wind down in the evenings

• spend time in gratitude and meditation

• practice Ayurveda and yoga

• exercise more

For about two months, there was pushback. It got kind of ugly. I had colleagues snarling at me as I tucked my yoga mat under my arm and headed for the door, like “You get to leave and I don’t?”

And you know what? Soon, my supervisor and others around me started to do the same

thing. And then it became, “it’s so great that you’re doing this”.

Now, as a coach to multimillionaire clients, if someone comes to you and they’re burnt out — what is the first key step they need to take?

Most of my clients are highly successful, so they’re not looking to level up, they’re wondering about their purpose in life. Perhaps they’re not spending time with their husband or wife and children, they’re not taking the time to relax, or get outdoors, or pursue their hobbies.

The first thing I teach these clients is: how do you slow down? What are you missing out on right now that gives you energy?

For example, if they say, “I’m missing out on time with my wife and kids.”

I’d respond, “What would your life look like if you bought back an hour of your day or four hours in your week or your entire weekend?”

I get them to really imagine what it looks like, whatever they’re missing: feeding their baby, romantic dinners with their wife, going to the lake house for the weekend, kicking their feet up on the table and listening to the birds chirp.

These people tend to have a lot of professional responsibility, they’re like, “I can’t just peel away”. So I’m realistic: can you shave 15 minutes off of something so you can have coffee and a conversation with your wife before you head out the door? And then increase that to an hour.

Micro-changes and then expanding.

Exactly.

I explain the risk to them in no uncertain terms. “We can make micro-adjustments now, or we can wait until your physiology slams you and you’re in the doctor’s office because you have cancer, or a heart condition, or adrenal burnout. Do you want to be dealing with that at 37 (or whatever) years of age?” It’s only a matter of time. So, are you going to take control of your life or are you going to let it drive you into ground?

Often, they know something’s wrong. Maybe their wife has said, “I’m taking the kids and we’re leaving. I’m going to find someone who can be a father to our children.” I’ve seen that happen. Or people who are losing their business because they are such tyrants to work for.

By the time a lot of my clients reach me, they’ve had some kind of “uh-oh” moment. So, it doesn’t take a huge amount of convincing to help them see things need to change.

Why do you think burnout is such an issue for millennials — for the younger generation?

Busyness and multi-tasking have come to be viewed as synonymous with success. Like, “wow, that person’s hustling!” means they’re winning, even if they’re dead inside. Drugs like Adderol might make you super zoomed in and focused, but then you need a depressant to come down so you grab a couple of drinks… and it’s a rollercoaster.

I see it in my girlfriends too. One friend works long days and weekends, and when we meet up afterwards she never wants to eat. She says, “oh I’m just not hungry”. Finally, last week she confided that when she first gets off work, she’s still so ramped up from the day that it’s like being wired on coffee. No hunger. And then at around 9 or 9:30 she feels ravenous and swings by Taco Bell. Then she gets home, has a couple of drinks, and gets up the next day and does it all again.

That kind of pattern is so easy to get into when we’re disconnected from our bodies and from what really matters to us. The workaholic kind of behavior can of itself become addictive.

Oh heck yeah. I mean, I became a workaholic by accident. It started when I worked in the music business. I worked in the booking department for tours and concerts and I loved contracts! I would do them until my eyes burned. Work can become addictive for so many reasons.

For example, if you grew up in household where finances were really tight, you might go after a high-level college degree and land the big job with the corner office, so you have ‘enough’ money. That then becomes the drive: you don’t love it, you’re not proving something to the guy in the office next door, no, you believe “if I stop working, we won’t have enough money”, which is a leftover fear from childhood.

There are so many potential drivers behind the ‘why’. The bigger question is, are you aware of it? Are you willing to actually do something about it? Are you willing to sacrifice the accolades and the acknowledgment of your peers? Are you willing to be the person who leaves the office at 5pm while others stay late?

Especially if someone is a people pleaser, that will be really difficult for them to choose, because other people’s negative responses hit so hard.

And that’s where people pleasing comes from: the underlying feeling is “I’m not good enough. If I please everyone, they’ll like me and not leave me.” So, you’re constantly seeking validation. It can stem from a fear of being alone, rejection, abandonment. It goes deep. And that’s why I love the work that I do so much — helping people realize there’s something deeper that’s perpetuating your need to go at it so hard and fast.

What are the tools you use to prevent another burnout?

I have a daily morning routine: four different things that I’ve discovered are critical to my self-care. So, I take time each morning to:

• write in my journal

• meditate

• exercise

• some kind of spiritual reading

By doing those four things, I’ve strengthened my spiritual (meditation), mental (reading), emotional (writing) and physical (workout) bodies. It’s like tending to my garden before I even leave the house.

Another key thing for me is that when it’s time for meals, I close the computer, turn my phone upside-down, and get out of my workspace. Taking the time to disconnect during meals is so important. Also, any time I can get outside — I do it.

Plus, all the little things that can easily seem pointless — like going outside and walking around the block, or five minutes of meditation. If you’re super busy you might have a tendency to think, “That’s a waste of time, I can’t afford to miss time on this project.”

How would you respond to someone saying that?

I’d say, “have you ever heard of Steve Jobs?” The success of Apple is founded on his understanding of the importance of not always working. Take a break — do something totally different.

On the flipside, looking at the companies that offer the beautiful meals, and all the perks — a pool, a gym on the third floor, games rooms downstairs, a spa… I have to wonder: do their employees ever leave?

Yes! It’s so nice that it potentially becomes enabling.

Cab rides, laundry services, delicious meals for free — no more grocery shopping!

Right! It’s so important that we as individuals are making decisions that are aligned with our values, and that maintain our boundaries.

Yes, it’s so important to be super clear on your values and priorities, and then to set boundaries in accordance with those values and priorities. The better you get at honoring your boundaries, the more aligned you are with your truth.

And sometimes it’s a matter of honoring your boundaries with yourself, not just with the boss. I mean, I can talk myself into working through a meal, so I watch that boundary.

So Tris, what would you consider to be the positives to come out of burnout?

Burnout can help us become more aware of the choices we make and their consequences — positive or negative. We can learn how to stand in integrity with our values and be congruent with who we truly are, knowing when to say no. Knowing when to call it.

It can also strengthen the relationships in your life. For so many years, I didn’t have friends because I didn’t have time. Guys I was dating would say “I never see you”. I didn’t go to family reunions for over a decade, because I’d always be abroad at a company event. You pull back time, energy, the ability to have relationships or read a book on the couch, take a vacation or watch the sunset.

You regain clarity and control.

And in some cases the positives come too late — maybe you’ve developed an illness as a result of overworking, or your wife and children left and there’s no recourse, or you spent all your time working and your parents passed away and you never took the time to go see them.

These are hard experiences, but you have a chance to learn, and behave differently in the future. For example, if your wife left, you resolve to be really present in your next relationship.

Anything else you’d like to share about burnout?

Just don’t do it! If you think you’re headed for burnout, reach out to a coach and start the work to make sure it doesn’t happen.

Looking back, I overworked myself my entire adult life. I only stopped when my acupuncturist told me I was risking my physical health. I’ve lost time with my family. I’ve lost relationships and friendships. I’ve lost time in nature and doing things that are important to me. It’s so important to stop and take stock of our choices and how we’re actually spending our time.

And if there’s anything we can take from 2020 as a positive: it’s slammed on the brakes.

Every single one of us has had the opportunity to rethink things.

Absolutely — without the busyness, some potentially uncomfortable truths can emerge.

Yes — and there’s a wonderful opportunity there, to reevaluate our lives and make positive, empowering decisions to move forward.

Originally published on Medium in 2020.